Unanswered questions

Hi everybody, 

A little update overall accompanied by a pissed off rant to follow thought I’d warn you before I got started. Soooo… if you don’t want either, just skip this post. No hard feelings. 

On the writing side of things: 

I gave my MS to another editor a while back, don’t remember if I said as much last time, which means I’m stuck in the waiting game. My query is good as done, I think. My synopsis still needs work. Yes, I hate both those things, like most writers! Diana and I are still working on our story, with everything going on with both of us it’s not easy to focus… But we want to have it done in August. 

On the daily life side of insanity: 

COVID is driving me nuts. Mind you, it’s had it’s good points, in my POV anyway, but right now… well, I’ll rant in a bit. I’m doing a Criminology course. Yup, that’s right. I’m actually gonna be certified for the shit I dream up. 

Now… if you don’t want to read a rant, walk away. Because here it comes. 

January, my dad flew to Germany for treatment. He was diagnosed with bladder cancer, which sucks but at the time was no big deal. Anyway, two operations later, he was transferred to a short term assisted living facility to help him get a grip on using/changing the urine bag. In the aforementioned facility, he ended up breaking his hip and leg within the first week. That resulted in him having to return to the hospital and have the entire thing replaced. Now, mind you, we are talking about an artificial hip and thigh bone. 

This whole bedazzled spectacle meant my dad went through three operations in as many months. At the ripe age of 73. I’m just going to jump over the whole issue where he got an (operation specific) infection from the hospital and the tried to claim he arrived with it. 

Moooooving on to rehab. He entered rehab end of April. About 2 weeks in he complained of losing his appetite. Which, fair enough, after months in and out of hospitals etc… understandable, plus, the food usually sucks balls in those places. After being transferred into the beginning of June he told us he was only 62kg. He in effect lost 30kg in 6ish weeks. And it’s not from the chemo, that hadn’t started. 

Over the course of the last 5 months, we repeatedly asked him about his BP and BS levels, since he was a diabetic who’d had a stroke 18ish months ago. EVERY. FUCKING. TIME. he would tell us: I dunno, they don’t check. Okay, fine, he was getting forgetful, increasingly so, since the stroke so maybe they did, but he never noticed or forgot. It could be. 

However, the part that pisses me off is this: 

Friday morning 1:48 am a relative panic calls me and tells me to call the hospital he was taken to from the rehab center because he fell out of bed and was found seizing on the floor. I do so and the doctor asks me if I want to keep him on life support if worst comes to worst. *deer in the headlights look* those were literally his first words after telling me he was admitted and it doesn’t look good. Talk about ripping off the bandaid… 

Yesterday around lunch I called again, three extra hours sleep, my head was a little clearer, I asked how he was. The doctor tells me he suffered kidney failure and his organs were following. That got my attention fast! Because after his bladder removal they tested his organs and said all including kidneys were in good condition for his age and that was in March. He proceeded to blame it on the diabetic meds dad was taking, which he’d been taking for 10 plus years. So… how can they cause failure in 3 months when they didn’t do shit all that time. He wouldn’t listen, claimed it was possible. 

Whatever… 

Next thing my relative tells me dad had not been drinking water in weeks, which was more likely to trigger kidney failure. And herein lies my problem: He was in rehab. He was not getting physiotherapy as he should have been. And they were emptying and changing the urine bags for him, so why did no one raise a red flag that the bags were good as empty for – god knows how long… ????? 

How does a man with no organ damage, apart from the removed bladder, in March end up with organ failure in June and die?! 

Stay true to yourself!

I gotta ask…

Hey everybody!

Sorry, I know it’s been… a long while since I posted. That’s on me, I know. All right let me get the personal stuff out of the way before I go on a rant.

So, if you read my last post, you know my short story “Dark Desires” was published in an Anthology. In all honesty, I haven’t provided links or anything because… well, life is just crazy, and I got sidetracked. Plus… it’s kind of embarrassing. That said, I’m working on a new story with my best friend, Diana Ferris. We planned to make it a short story, too, inspired by a short we didn’t like. But, as always, Diana’s plot bunnies are out of hand and she told me today she wants to try making it a novella.

Diana’s mind

I guess time will tell if that actually happens, I honestly have my doubts :P. Love you, psycho, don’t hate on me for saying the truth!

Well, That’s the writing part of my life, in other news: I’m getting ready to start querying. I have one more round of edits starting next week and once those are over and done with I’ll try my hand at looking for an agent and submit to publishers who accept unsolicited manuscripts. Wish me luck!! It’s been a long hard road, writing the book last year, submitting to Pitchwars and coming up empty (not unexpected) and then diving deeper into edits afterwards, and polishing my query letter and synopsis. Hopefully, I’ll get at least one or two positive reactions!

Personally… well, life sucks! I’m aware, we’re all in the same boat with Covid making things hard and people scared, angry. I get it, believe me, I do! But I also see something good coming out of this pandemic mess. And yeah, I know, saying so marks me as a mad woman, but the fact is: our planet needs healing. And Covid gave it just the tiniest bit of time to repair a fraction of the damaged we humans caused it over the last two centuries (let’s just count the last two). Now, I’m sure, it’s a) not nearly enough b) won’t last more than a few weeks after all lockdown have been lifted, but I damn sure hope people see that we need to do better. We need to be better!

It’s our planet, destroying it means destroying ourselves. But then, the human race has proven exceptionally good at doing both. Which brings me to the next part of my rant. GROW THE FUCK UP AND LEARN FROM HISTORY!! STOP REPEATING IT!!!   

Black.

Asian.

White.

Latino.

Arab.

Muslim.

Christian.

Jew.

Buddhist.

Hindu.

Straight.

Gay.

Trans.

Pan.

WHAT DOES IT MATTER?! We walk, we talk, we breathe the SAME FUCKING AIR. EAT THE SAME DAMN FOOD. FEEL THE SAME EMOTIONS. WE LIVE ON THE SAME WORLD. The country doesn’t matter. The Language doesn’t matter. The continent doesn’t matter. We all bleed red. EVERY MAMMAL ON THIS PLANET BLEEDS RED AND FEELS EMOTIONS.

My mother always told me to treat people the way I want them to treat me. Is it so hard to remember to be kind to those around you?! What if it was you, would you want to be yelled at and have to fear for your life because you don’t look like those around you? I think not. SO GROW THE FUCK UP!

Sorry folks, but I needed to get all this off my chest. I’m sick of the hypocrisy some hide behind.

Stay true to yourself!

April Madness 2020

Hey everybody,

I know, it’s been forever. To be honest … I didn’t wanna write a blog post with all the crazy going on because I didn’t want it to come across as  a downer or a lecture. That said, my annoying editor, I’m looking at you, Katie!, insisted it was about time I wrote something/anything.

I don’t think anybody expected 2020 to turn out like this. I’ve heard a few interesting and surprisingly accurate descriptions of the current situations. 

  • That we somehow all got sucked into a Stephen King novel (poor guy even apologized to those that felt that way!).
  • That Avenger’s Infinity Wars was a sort of prophecy and that Covid-19 is our real-life version of Thanos.

Frankly, I don’t know which one scares me more … 

Yeah, okay, that’s a lie. What WOULD scare me is living in the U.S. right now. Thank fuck, I don’t. I may question some of the measures taken (or not taken) over here, but the way they are dealing with the outbreak itself is not in question. 

Now, Virus depression aside, I’ve got NEWS! 

I submitted the short I was writing for the PNR Anthology – Fated Souls – and it’s titled: Dark Desires. Now, I haven’t heard anything from the publisher about it yet. However, I am 85% sure my weirdness will stand out since one of my series’ antagonists is the focus and it’s from his POV. 

I have heard that the anthology is being prepped for ARC copies. It was supposed to be released on the 3rd of April but with all the madness of lockdowns, etc, it was pushed back. I’ll let you all know once I have more info on the release, pre-order and buy links! 

Until then you can feast your eyes on the cover:

Stay home, stay safe, don’t give in to panic, but be reasonable! And most of all … 

The Chocolatiest Day of the Year is here!

Hey folks!

Time sure flies…
Everywhere you turn, it’s been nothing but chocolates and cakes for the past few weeks, and now here it is: Valentine’s Day.
The thing is, this day splits the world in half.

Those that look forward to it.
Vs.
Those that dread it.

Mind you; I’ve got nothing against the day or the sentiment. Personally, I think we shouldn’t drop chocolate bombs on those we cherish once a year. You love someone, show them! Hell, even if you just want to say thanks to a friend for being in your corner, don’t wait for a designated day.

That being said, my issue is with the endless advertising weeks ahead of the event. But that’s true for all holidays and just had me personally on tenterhooks.

As usual, I’m in yammering mode, feel free to ignore it!
Anyway, point being: Whether you hate or love the day, there’s no arguing with what it stands for.

Just kidding, well… maybe…. and telling people how you feel.

Stay true to yourself.

Species jumping the divide

Hey folks!

It’s been two weeks, and boy have I got thoughts!

2020 has sure managed to start off in a rather… enchanting fashion if you ask me! First, I get some bad, but not surprising news, on the home front. Then the whole planet jumps into a mass panic about the Corona Virus. 

Mind you; I haven’t heard anything about it being over here. That said, I do know it’s spreading fast and is already in a lot of countries, including where I have friends. 

I wanted to take the time and tell you all to take reasonable precautions. Please don’t go around spreading more panic. That’s not going to help anybody! 

Now, virus and whatnot aside, I have something else burning a hole in my tongue (and fingers!). 

I am honestly sick and tired of reading about racism and bigotry and all the misplaced anger and prejudice. 

Get.

A.

GRIP! 

If predators and prey can accept, bond, and love each other. Two species that were never meant to, if you listen to some people talk… Two species on opposite ends of the food chain, then why can’t we humans do it? 

Caucasian, African, Middle Eastern, Asian. 

Buddhist, Muslim, Christian, Jew, Wiccan. 

Tall, short, blond, brunette.

Straight, Gay, Transgender, Pansexual.

WHO THE HELL CARES?! 

We live. We breathe. We eat. We feel. 

Then again, what do I know? I’m just a dumb black sheep dumped between two worlds. I couldn’t possibly understand what one or the other is like… oh, wait! That’s exactly what gives me the right to say it because I was raised in two very different cultures. I was taught to see both sides. To see both the good and the bad

And guess what? Religion isn’t the bad guy, and it’s the few that use it to justify themselves. But that doesn’t mean everyone should be punished for it. 

The same goes for a person’s skin color or sexual orientation. Neither of which is a choice! You don’t choose to be born! What you can choose is who makes you happy! 

Stay true to yourself!

Humans are without a doubt the strangest creatures.

Hey everybody!

I know it’s been a few days since my last post. Between writer’s block and plain old fatigue, I’ve been feeling… meh. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking today, and I’ve got to say: it still feels weird.

So, here’s the thing:

A year ago, new neighbors moved in next door. Over the years, I learned to trust my instincts when it comes to people. Now, here’s this couple, second day after they moved in, the wife rings the doorbell. Which, I honestly hate, because the damn thing is just way too loud!. But anyway, I open up and she’s all smiles and friendly and seems downright neighborly as she asks if my mother is around.

The thing is this: we had put our old washing machine outside, wanting to move it somewhere else to use, since we got a new one for the house. They move in and just take the thing without asking, so my mother went over to tell them it wasn’t theirs to take.

Anywho, one look at her smiling face and alarm bells start going off in my head, I can’t put my finger on it, but something’s telling me she’s a total fake. I tell my mother much. A few weeks go by and I start thinking maybe I’m paranoid. Maybe there isn’t anything to worry about. Maybe – for once – we hit the jackpot and got nice neighbors.

Eeeeeh… wrong.

It started with her telling my mother she got her husband to marry her by putting him in prison until he agreed to it. (Not kidding!)

Then, she goes on to tell my mother I have nothing better to do than run to the door whenever any of the neighbors (upstairs or hers) bell rings. The kicker here is, she specifies that I open the door to see who it is. EVERY. TIME!

Now, during that time, between her and the upstairs neighbor, the bells went off 10+ times a day.

Didn’t stop there though. She goes on to tell mum I have men coming over, knocking the door at odd times in the day. Mind you, it’s the company driver bringing me back the bills from deliveries he made, and considering she describes to my mother what the guy is wearing and how I only stretch my hand through the door… I ask you: who’s spying on who?

Manipulative.

Remorseless.

Ruthless.

Working off her own agenda.

And boy can she turn on the waterworks in seconds. She can turn them off just as fast, too.

Hell, she even turned her family against each other to get them to turn on one of her brothers so that she can get his daughter.

You’re probably wondering what my point is by now, if I even have one or if I’m just venting. Both, actually.

True, I had to vent.

But I also have a reason for posting this. Two, to be perfectly honest.

The first being, the old saying that truth is stranger than fiction holds merit more often than not.

The second, trust your instincts. You may not know the reason right then and there, but there’s always a reason. If your gut is screaming to watch out, don’t let your guard down. Trust is easily broken and regret is a powerful thing.

Stay true to yourself.

Last… but not least. #Poems #WritingCommunity #7

Hey everyone!

You still curious? Haven’t scared you off yet? Oh, good! Here’s to another trip down memory lane. To be honest, posting them kind of stings. Of course, these days, I avoid humans altogether – apart from a select few. And I’ve learned to tell when I’m being BS’ed. Most times I’m right. It’s gotten a lot easier to distinguish the fakes.

Anywhere, here you go:

Everything is so fierce,
so cold, so abandoned,
Why is life so wicked?
Why are you all gone?
WHY??

All those years,
All this time,
All those moments,
did everything together
and now, no longer….
Why are you all gone?
Why can’t we ever meet again?

No way to see you guys again,
lost forever, no way to laugh again.
Why are you gone?
Why did you leave me alone?
Why doesn’t anyone see the truth?
Why doesn’t anyone see me falling,
shouting in agony, why…?

Everything is so fierce,
so cold, so abandoned,
Why is life so wicked?
Why are you all gone?
WHY??

People see what they want to see
People see me as a freak,
Why don’t they see the truth?
Why don’t they hear the pain?
Why don’t they see the wounds, the scars?
WHY?

Close your eyes,
live in an illusion,
block the things you don’t want to see,
is that what people are taught?
Then why were you all so different?
Why am I so different?
Why are you gone?
Why is it left, just it….?

Everything is so fierce,
so cold, so abandoned,
Why is life so wicked?
Why are you all gone?
WHY??

Memories keep me from falling…..

Stay true to yourself.

Passage of time. #poem #WritingCommunity #6

Hey Nerdfolk!

Hope you’re doing good! New Year’s resolutions still going strong, or did already throws those out?

And now, with considerably less fanfare, I present to you the next stop in Teen Wackoville:

So much time has passed
So much has happened
So many people have come,
brought joy and pain, happiness and anger.
Yet I’m alive, but will it end????
I don’t know….

Time to think
Time to feel
Time to trust
Will I get hurt again?
Will I be happy again??
I don’t know……

When will it be?
When will it end?
When will life give it all a chance?
Will it happen?
I don’t know, for I don’t get an answer…..

Time to think
Time to feel
Time to trust
Will I get hurt again?
Will I be happy again??
I don’t know……

The change of light and darkness.
The flow of time passes by…..untouched.
The feelings stay no matter how long it takes or how far we are.
Caught in the shyness of life,
unable to tell each other what is wrong
laughing, talking, joking with each other,
but crying on the inside,
for the stupidity eats us.

Time to think
Time to feel
Time to trust
Will I get hurt again?
Will I be happy again??
I don’t know……

No idea what to do…..

Stay true to yourself.

When things get tough. #poem #WritingCommunity #5

What’s up, Doc?

Another day in January, another poem from the ancient days of my madness. I’m not going to go into detail on the rest. At least not too much, since most of them consist of me wallowing in self-pity and wonder why the fuck people enjoy stabbing me in the back so damn much.

All are gone
I’m alone in the fog
left behind, abandoned
Then I hear your voice,
calling me in the dark
Is it true, or just an illusion?

Held back by a voice,
A feeling I thought no longer existed
The touch of your hand,
The look of you,
The warmth of your words.
Why did you stay?
All others are gone.

Don’t know what to say,
Don’t know how to react,
Don’t know what to think,
Didn’t think someone would stay
to get me, give me the support I need.

All are gone
I’m alone in the fog
left behind, abandoned
Then I hear your voice,
calling me in the dark
Is it true, or just an illusion?

All these years have passed
Noone left to hold me,
to save me…..except you.
Is it true or just an illusion?
What will happen to you….
If I do what I came for???
If I die…..

Stay true to yourself.

Trust, a hard lesson learned. #poems #WritingCommunity #4

Nerds and Nerdettes,

To pick up where we left off yesterday, I thought I’d explain why the school put me on suicide watch. Like I said in my first post, I didn’t hide my writing and showed it to teachers. And when writing in a ‘foreign’ language, it makes sense to go to the teacher of that subject who knows you most, right? Wrong! Not only did she tell on me to the principal and call me suicidal, but she also said it was terrible writing (fair enough). But she didn’t stop there! A few days before I gave it her we got our grades for the oral portion of that quarter, and I got an A, after showing her the poem, I never got better than a C.

What could possibly be that bad?

Time is an illusion,
Faith is just a word,
Fate a way of life,
Life just temporary,
Matters not important,
Feelings just a way to waste the illusion,
Right or wrong just ways to live,
Hope does not exist,
Born into darkness, dying in darkness,
 
The lonely wanderer tries to find a way into light by the feeling called
love,
But yet stays lonely in the darkness behind…..
Weak
Abandoned
Hurt……
 
There is NO way out,
For there is NO way in…..
It just happens,
unexpected and has no meaning,
Because all that happens on earth is temporary and therefore of no matter.

Time is an illusion,
Faith is just a word,
Fate a way of life,
Life just temporary,
Matters not important,
Feelings just a way to waste the illusion,
Right or wrong just ways to live,
Hope does not exist,
Born into darkness, dying in darkness,
 
There is NO way out….
Caught in the darkness of life……
Til you die………!!

This, apparently! Oddly enough, I showed it to two other teachers after that. Both not only praised but encouraged me to keep going. Hell, they’d even come and ask me about it if I went a few weeks without showing them something!

Stay true to yourself!